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Opening Monologue For The Peytons

Joey Mulinaro recapped the year in sports with his version of Jimmy Kimmel's opening monologue for Sunday's Oscars.

The Peytons


Wow, what a year it's been. I'd like to thank The Fan and my friend Kevin Bowen for being on-board with this show.

Let's give it up for Kevin Bowen, too. What a smart, talented, engaging guy. Since he has made his way to 1070 The Fan by way of the Colts, he has done nothing but curate incredible content for Indy's Colts and Pacers fans.

Speaking of the Colts, glad to see they made it to The Peytons. Me and Kevin didn't want you to miss anything, so we kept all the good stuff for the first half of the show. We figured you'd stop listening with about 15 minutes left. 

The Colts were bad in 2017. 

"How bad were they?!"

They were so bad that the fans were demanding real football so Lucas Oil brought in the Indy Eleven.

I mean the Colts were bad in 2017.

"How bad were they?!"

The Colts were so bad that their best player was a 45-year-old kicker. 

That was fun. Thanks for playing along.

Jacoby Brissett got sacked a league-high 56 times. I can't figure out what has more holes: the Colts O-line or the streets of Indianapolis. Folks, if we're looking for someone to fix the pothole problem, why not try Chuck Pagano? After all he is unemployed, and does believe in a strong ground game.

T.Y. Hilton is represented tonight, too. Congrats T.Y. He took issue with the Colts O-line this year even though there was six games where he only had two catches or less. Most of the season it was like he disappeared from the offense. Guess that's why they call him The Ghost. And where is Donte Moncrief? Not here? Feel like he hasn't shown up since 2016. Maybe he was teaching Lance Stephenson his guitar dance celebration. If so, at least he was doing something productive for one Indianapolis team because he sure wasn't for the Colts. 

It was a struggle on defense this year, too. The pass rush was especially bad. Fellas, It's sad when you watch a Colts game and you know the only sack you'll see all day is when you look down while taking your halftime leak. The first-round pick showed promise at safety. If Rashaan Melvin doesn't re-sign this offseason you could throw Malik on the outside. If there's anyone who knows how to work the corner, it's a Hooker. 

Hey big news today with alcohol sales finally being legalized on Sundays. The only thing that might have been higher than the number of leads the Colts blew is the BAC of the fans watching them - and that was without Sunday sales.  Just a few months late, Governor, but we appreciate you caring so much about our state and our city. Looking forward to the fall. 

Speaking of our city, Victor Oladipo is well-represented tonight. Let's hear it for Victor. What a god-send he's been. It's so nice having a superstar here who'd rather be in Indy than in a strip club. I looked up where Victor lives, and it took me to the governor's mansion. This guy can really do it all. Hoop, dunk, dance, sing, even hit a game winning shot or four. Anything more than one is better than what we had, so congrats Victor.

Oh, and don't forget about Domas Sabonis! He's here tonight, too. Stealing you and Vic from OKC was such a big heist that people around here are starting to call Kevin Prithcard "John Dillinger". 

This Pacers team is exactly what this city loves. They work hard, play good all-around basketball together, and don't break the law. 

Speaking of the law, how about Edwards & Edwards? Carsen and Vince, you guys have been killing it this year. Not surprising the team with a duo nicknamed for a law firm is one of five teams not violating NCAA rules. Setting records on the floor and squeaky clean off of it. True two-way players. Hey how about Matt Painter? The head coach of the Boilermakers is represented tonight. 19 straight wins the year after Caleb Swanigan left? No ones had this much success post-Biggie since P Diddy. 

Purdue hoops weren't the only ones having success in West Lafayette this year. Hey Purdue football is represented here tonight. Jeff Brohm really turned it around. Coach, when you said you planned on restoring the glory back to Purdue football I thought you were still concussed from the XFL. But you were true to your word. Purdue athletics was ahead of the game. too by selling beer at football games. Boiler fans were able to celebrate in booze rather than drown in their sorrows. 

We hope you can celebrate tonight, too. We have a great show! Enjoy The Peytons. 

 

Find out what kind of tailgate spread and personality you'll be rocking this football season, and don't forget to grab the Win Schuler's before the next game!
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